AI - a hands-on beginner's guide

Published date08 December 2021
I was recently regaled with details of debudding calves and the intricacies of AI by the daughter of a DIY artificial inseminator.

Now, somehow, before I realised it, that seven-year-old had liaised with her mother and I had a date with destiny - or rather a planned close and personal encounter with a cow!

I didn't spend a few years selling bull semen to farmers without a bit of knowledge of the 'process' involved. I didn't give birth to four children without figuring out a thing or two either - eventually.

I certainly haven't taught the schools and police programme 'Keeping Ourselves Safe,' without having to use the correct terminology and hearing the 'colloquial' rather creative terminology for various body parts without being able to keep a straight face.

So it was that I found myself gloved up to the shoulder, being instructed on how to load a 'straw' by that highly knowledgeable seven year old.

Pistolet - check, shaken straw - check, load straw - check, cut straw - check, sheath on - check, lock straw -check.

Ready - check? NO!

So far so good - just don't try to rush me - ok? It feels like an IQ test and the student - seven-year-old student - has somehow just become my examiner and I'm feeling decidedly out of my comfort zone. This could end badly.

Finally, that 'dangerous' little straw is loaded. It is full of powerful 'swimmers' intended to improve the next generation of cows with better udders, milk production, polled (no horns), fertility (definitely no thanks - four is enough) and perhaps a dash of the latest James Bond 007.

Now, pour some lubricant onto my armlength left hand glove, grab the tail and lift it, wipe lube around its anus, wipe the cow's vaginal entrance with a paper towel, insert left arm into the bottom despite the enormously strong anal muscles squeezing tightly and clearly not wanting me to venture there.

You've got to admire the tenacity of that cow - give her that James Bond bull any day over this indignity.

Now, make a fist with my 'vanished' hand to make access with the pistolet easier (nothing about this process seems very 'easy' to me.) Slowly insert that pistolet (this is seriously making me break out in a cold sweat - it is so clinical but minus the surgical hygiene) and 'dolphin dive' up and into the cow's vagina. (I will never be able to frolic and 'dolphin dive' on Marty Syron's beach with quite the same reckless abandonment ever again).

Meanwhile, despite now sweeping through a hot, very squishy 'soupy' substance...

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