The Secret Diary of ... Trevor Mallard

• Published date: 18 June 2022
• Publication title: Weekend Herald

Let me be perfectly clear that today’s Cabinet reshuffle is an affair so minor as to barely warrant any kind of attention and indeed the best response to it, in my mind, and I’m quite certain of this, is to pay no attention to it, as we would do with any minor matter, so as to save our thoughts and feelings about major matters, which is the really only the way we conduct our day-to-day lives and I don’t see Parliament as being any different to that rule, and in any case I’m sure you will all join me in wishing a fond farewell to Speaker Mallard

For he’s a jolly good fellow!

Trevor Mallard See youse all later. I don’t give a stuff.

Jacinda Ardern So, some of you may have jumped to unwise conclusions or drawn long bows about the departure of Speaker Mallard, and seen something in it that simply isn’t there, because this is simply a matter of Speaker Mallard transitioning out of the role of Speaker over the course of this term to allow someone else the opportunity, and to take on new challenges, as is the way of life, and like I say, is a minor matter that is barely worth registering, but the important thing is that I know we are all united in wishing Speaker Mallard all the best. Isn’t he just loveable!

Trevor Mallard It’s not as though I said, “Gizzus a plum overseas posting and I’ll go quietly”, or that they replied, “Sssshhh.”

Jacinda Ardern Let me perfectly clear that Speaker Mallard’s appointment to a diplomatic posting somewhere in Europe is no way, shape or form a case of jobs for the boys, or that it should be regarded as any kind of perk, because he will be very busy, very busy indeed, the work of a diplomat is an unceasing seriousness often conducted in small rooms without hot water, no one speaks a word of English and the service leaves a lot to be desired, but former ministers accept the challenge because they see it as a duty to one’s country. And in any case Speaker Mallard celebrated his 66th birthday...