Learning to forgive yourself

• Date: 12 June 2021
• Published date: 12 June 2021
• Publication title: Mix, The

As you lie there, ruminating on the random selection offered up for the night, the darkness seems to make the memories more vivid. I’ve noticed it’s not usually the fun stuff my brain serves up, but rather the painful, tough stuff: ‘‘Oh why did I do/say that?’’, ‘‘How could I?’’, ‘‘What was I thinking?’’.

It’s the stuff we feel guilt or shame over, the stuff we’ve not forgiven ourselves for.

I’ve written about forgiveness a number of times, but I’ve never really touched on self-forgiveness. Perhaps it’s time to take a deeper look.

OK, so what is self-forgiveness?

We have the tendency to focus on getting others to forgive us when we mess up.

The reality is that we may never be fully forgiven by others, we have no real control over that. Who, and what, other people choose to forgive is their process, but that doesn’t mean we can’t find inner peace by forgiving ourselves. Even if everyone forgives us, we won’t feel true peace and contentment until we forgive ourselves. Self-forgiveness begins and ends internally, that’s our process.

It’s through self-forgiveness and self-compassion that we can acknowledge our own shortcomings and move forward.

How do we get there?

Start with small steps so you don’t become overwhelmed. Pick one thing to kick the process off.

OWN WHAT YOU HAVE DONE

When you accept responsibility for your actions and their consequences, you can begin the process of forgiving yourself.

TRY TO UNDERSTAND WHY YOU DID IT

Think back on the event. Try to re-experience what you felt when you made the mistake for which you now feel guilty. This is not a time for excuses or justifications. You’re not excusing your actions. Instead, think about what need you were trying to meet at the time, only then can you find...